Ladies… I know its’s 2019 and we are in the midst of our hot girl & City girl summers. I know that in today’s times we think very highly of ourselves, our financial stability, and the value of our time. I am genuinely here for all of it. The girl boss entrepreneurship and attitudes, and the transparency of our standards is amazing to see. However, this confidence does not replace one small but important factor: nobody owes you a damn thing. I know Megan Thee Stallion said “yeah I’m in MY bag but I’m in his too”…. but some of y’all forgot the “MY bag” part.
I encourage every woman around me and every woman reading my blog to require from a man what you require from yourself. It’s important to be equally yoked and for your requirements, wants, and needs to be met. But what is NOT okay is that some of us carry this mentality of looking at a man as a check and overlooking good men because they aren’t offering to pay your rent. I’m never opposed to a man wanting to take care of me, but I don’t find it okay or the least bit flattering if that’s what’s happening and I can’t take care of myself. It’s one thing if you’re down bad temporarily and the man in your life offers to help you out.
But more and more over social media I see women talking about requiring men to pay for their every expense. I’ve seen arrogant statements about certain women not even wanting a man to call them unless it’s about paying some of her bills. Statements like that are why I feel genuine love is hard to come by. A man helping to take care of you is the icing on the cake. The cake itself is the important qualities like compatibility, love languages, and common goals, which are being over looked. Then as a result of this mind set men my age are walking around thinking everybody wants something from them.
I think some of us have taken the lyrics of today’s female rap artists and ran with it in the worst way. I think the bigger picture here is to boss up and expect stability from yourself then require it from someone else. There is nothing hot girl-esqe about not being able to support yourself but requiring another individual to, in return for your time. We have to stop acting like having a vagina is all we have to offer and that because of it a man should pay up and worship us. Unless you’re looking to live a sugar baby or escort lifestyle (which I am not judging at all, get it how you live girl. I respect everyone’s hustle and look down upon no one.) leave it out of your relationships.
Your love interests and boyfriends are not a bank, they’re not your pimp, they’re not your father and you look like a bum treating them as such when you can barely pay to get your own nails done. Get realistic and decide what you actually want. Do you want a boyfriend ? Do you want a check ? Do you want both ? Figure that out before you call the next man a bum for wanting to take you on a real date instead of taking you shopping on your first encounter. Something else to consider is the position you are putting yourself in.
If your relationship is centered around money and you, yourself barely have any… that never ends well. The amount of stories I’ve heard of where women wind up stuck in a relationship they’re unhappy with because they are living off of a man and have no other option is ridiculous. When you move in with a man make sure you have the means to exit that situation in case it doesn’t work out. If a man does love you and value you enough to pay your bills make sure regardless you can still have the means to pay them in case the day comes that you no longer want to deal with this person or they decide they no longer want to deal with you.
Even more importantly think of the power you lose when you don’t have your own. You give men a lot of power over you when you’re driving in what he paid for, your living in his home, and living a certain lifestyle with his money. There are certain men who will use their financial power to control you or keep you. Men like this will view you as a possession rather than a person.Truly ask yourself if that is worth any amount of money or perks ? You can’t be a boss b*tch with a bank account that is in the negative while also living a lifestyle that is completely funded by someone who can decide to stop catering to your financial needs at any time.
Have your own and require someone to meet you at that level. If he happens to have it more together than you and wants to spoil you it’s a plus. But don’t stop your grind and the potential you have for anyone. Don’t allow these lyrics to have you stuck and using your femininity as your only means of income. Value yourself and your mind just as much as you do your female power. I’m not saying it’s bad to allow someone to spoil you. I think all of us deserve that kind of love. But make sure with a man present in your life or not that you are taken care of. Always always always have your own and spoil your damn self! I promise every man you come across will respect you more. It’s a lot harder to keep a woman who can’t be be bought. A real man will rise to the occasion.
One of the most cliché but true sayings I have ever heard is “trust the process”. I used to think it meant looking at your life being in shambles and just letting it fall to shit just waiting for it to magically get better with blind faith. To a certain extent that is true, but it’s much deeper than that. It’s understanding that although you are hurting and things are not perfect at the moment things are going to work out in the best way possible and that there is a purpose behind it all. But there’s work to be done within that realization. I had to learn to trust that there is a lesson and a reason behind my pain.
There has been a theme of loss in my life for the past couple years. I’ve had so much happen in such a short amount of time that you would think I would be feeling angry or hopeless. I’ve let a lot of people go. I’ve let go of old ideas and old parts of myself that are no longer true to who I am that I once thought were so concrete. Some would have expected me to be bitter or angry about these hard experiences but I found myself to be the exact opposite. I’m content and proud of myself.
Life brought me to a point of having no other option but to trust what is going on with me. If there’s anything I trust it’s what the universe has in store for me. I’ve never gone without. I’ve never been put in a situation I wasn’t able to handle. In doing so, I catch on to the purpose of my lessons much quicker. My intuition carries me through every situation. Even when I hit rock bottom something inside of me forces myself to pick up the pieces and keep going. If I didn’t keep my grass cut and stop watering dead relations, if I didn’t step out on faith and quit my job, if I didn’t break my own heart and let go of toxicity I would have lost so much more than the temporary losses I experienced.
My intuition brought me to every scary decision I have made and it is yet to fail me. When things aren’t right in my life my whole body will reject everything I am consuming both mentally and physically, that is poisoning my being. When you know yourself you can never lose. When you do it’s more often than not a temporary loss that comes with that kind of clarity. But I’ve learned I rather lose the worldly things that are tangible and lose people around me than to lose myself.
I would have lost myself and compromised what I require. There are times where if I didn’t listen to myself I know my life would have been way worse than just having bruised feelings or experiencing disappointment. You can bounce back from that. But discounting yourself and losing yourself trying to please others will leave you empty. We all require different things to function properly on an emotional level. Think of your requirements emotionally as apart of your survival and you’ll never discount yourself again (it’s like a life line and if you cut my life line I’m ready to fight and get rid of you completely). Your emotional well being is what helps you survive. Walk away from any and everything taking away from your survival. If your mind isn’t right your body won’t be either. They mirror one another.
Being forced to walk alone has made me rely on the only person I have at the end of every day: Myself. I have to be okay with me and with my decisions and the direction of my life. If nothing in your life seems to be working for you, if you find all of your relationships and business partnerships are leaving you empty, if nothing seems to be making you happy: Regroup, reflect, and reinvent. The three R’s I just mentioned center me often and bring me back to a place that is grounded, a place of stability. I’m about to give you guys the keys to being content with yourself. I fought like hell to get to this space so I hope these realizations help you get to a place of peace within yourself too.
When you are greatly unhappy and can’t figure out why, when you are always seeming to be misunderstood or overlooked, or if you are just plain bored with your life: REGROUP. Take a look around you and ask if you are happy with that job that makes you a ton of money but gives you no sense of purpose or joy. If there is constant drama in your life, or you are constantly stressed out, feeling less than around people who are supposed to be loved ones, etc. then take a look around you and ask yourself if you’re holding on to something genuine or if you’re holding on to what’s familiar and comfortable ? Maybe it’s time to weed out who no longer adds to your life and no longer makes you happy. Maybe the people you love have been stunting your growth. We outgrow people sometimes and that’s okay.
It’s important to reflect on how you got to be so unhappy or how you got yourself into all these one sided surface level relationships with others. Take responsibility for your habits. Understanding why you repeat certain unhealthy cycles is the first step to breaking that cycle. Identify what feelings trigger you to make decisions that bring you pain or temporary satisfaction. Make yourself a promise that you won’t keep repeating the same mistakes and set standards and boundaries. Set a standard for your life. Set a standard of what the job you are meant to have should be like. Set boundaries for those around you. Make it clear what is bothering you or what you need for a healthy relationship with others. Those that love you will respect those boundaries. Those that don’t will walk away. Let them. They didn’t respect you anyway.
Set a standard for what friendships and love should look like to you (but be realistic). Set a standard for carrying out your self worth. Set boundaries for how you treat yourself. If you are your biggest critic make an effort to be more kind to yourself. Uplift yourself, allow yourself space to make mistakes and be less than perfect. We teach people how to treat us. And our thoughts run parallel to what is going on in our life. Change your habits and change your way of thinking. All else will follow. If you don’t know about law of attraction look into it and watch your life change drastically.
Last but not least don’t forget to take your reflections and your new understanding of self and turn it into something great. R E I N V E N T you life, yourself, your mindset. Your life can be art. Your life can be a whole ass masterpiece if you take control and decide that’s what you want. Have a vision and get started. If you don’t like what you’ve started on… YOU’RE THE ARTIST. Reinvent yourself. Start over as many times as you like until you get it right. Treat your body and your decisions like the masterpiece they are. When you’re an artists you’re sensitive about your shit (Erykah Badu). Be sensitive about yourself about everything that makes your entity what it is. Protect yourself (your art).
Don’t just let anyone treat you any kind of way. Don’t let people take over your vision for your life. Don’t allow just anyone around your canvas/your masterpiece, be selective. Don’t just settle for the shit people will try to feed you. If you think you deserve better in this life go find better. If you think you can be better than the version of yourself that you are right now go find a way to do that. But do it with the understanding that you might have to walk alone. You might not be able to relate to the people around you anymore and that’s okay. When you’re living your truth and your life has purpose you’ll meet YOUR people. Like minded people, who will push you to grow and be your best self. People that will respect your feelings, what you’re about, and what you require. You will find everything that’s meant for you; every opportunity and every ounce of love and success meant for you when you’re doing what’s best for you. Know yourself first.
Today’s Woman, especially the younger women like myself are a whole different breed of woman. I have watched us evolve and progress in the same ways that Anthropologists would describe human progression. In anthropology the human race is described as one that evolves and adapts to it’s ecosystem in ways that are a means of survival. And let me tell you the women of today have adapted honey, we got our foot on these men’s neck’s and the savagery is at an all time high. Consider this post as some food for thought for my ladies and some insight for the fella’s. Just as we have adapted I think there are a lot of men who are going to need to evolve and adapt in order to understand and pursue the new age women of today. Your WCW is a 20 something bad ass who has a playlist full of Rihanna, Megan Thee Stallion, and Saweetie. You can’t play her because her intellect is just as sharp as her winged eyeliner. She has 2 sources of income, is obtaining more than one degree, has standards through the roof, and can play the game (and calls when she see’s it) just as well as you can if not better. She embodies finesse. Men either hate her or admire her for it. But she’s so into what she’s got going on that she can care less. Fact or fiction needless to say, I can guarantee you know a girl like this or similar.
From my experience and what I’ve seen on social media in the last 3-4 years the official rise of the New Woman came to be. Game was being exchanged and it became clear that women (a lot but not all) were no longer accepting men’s nonsense and are definitely unafraid to do men how they tend to do us. All the time I see us ranting and tweeting about new expectations that we’ve recently created and I love it. The bar is being set high and we are expecting men to rise to the occasion. But what’s really interesting is how many men I see and know who supposedly praise women with a boss like mentally, yet don’t know what to do with one when they get her. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a guy tweet about wanting an ambitious woman who’s, independent, funny, does her own thing, and has her priorities straight I would be on somebodies Island getting a tan instead of writing this post. But the part that doesn’t add up is that men don’t seem to read the fine print of what a woman like that comes with. They say they want those things but ridicule everything that this kind of woman does. A woman that independent is one of a different mind set. She’s liberated and free, doing everything that men do and A LOT of you hate it. Being that I consider myself to be of this new woman era I understand it and like I always do I’m here to give you the real spill on how we feel.
So here’s the hard facts… The mind of a woman in 2018 is set up a little something like this :
We don’t owe you anything
As mean as that sounds we figured out a long time ago through trial and error (and from the mistakes of those before us) that until a man makes a solid commitment to you he doesn’t feel like he owes you loyalty or consideration of any kind. We’ve molded ourselves to be the same way given that we have options just like you do and double standards are for the birds. There’s also a good percentage of you who play mind games and don’t know what you want and we don’t have time to make blind commitment on something that isn’t a for sure deal. If you know what you want claim it and be clear or be left behind. We won’t wait for you to act right and we won’t beg you for the attention we deserve. We learned our worth years ago and added tax to it. Get with the program or simply get left.
There’s also a lot of men in this world who feel entitled. They know it’s a mans world and love to remind you through the way they act and speak. Today’s woman know’s she doesn’t owe you or anyone a damn thing. Not her time, conversation, or her body. She’s not afraid to tell you or put you in your place. Aggressive DM’s and treating her regular will get you blocked. But here’s the real drag (with love of course): as much as you want a confident woman you shame her endlessly for carrying herself that way ESPECIALLY if she happens to not be interested in you. Is her horse suddenly high because it actually is? Or is it because your fragile masculinity doesn’t allow you to believe that she just might not be interested in you ? It’s very possible that you don’t meet her standards. Quite contrary to the majority belief that nice guys are being ignored for bad boys, athletes, and music artists with money, some of us look into the simple things like how you treat others, your interests, and how you choose to spend your free time ( some of you need to stop playing fork knife so much and get a real job). If this applies to you get it together, get out your feels, and get on her level. Maybe her attitude isn’t the problem and maybe you’re a crappy person who genuinely needs to work on yourself.
Submission is DEAD
Now I don’t mean this entirely because when committed there is always some sort of submission in matters of the heart. But as far as domesticated submission goes today’s woman wants a 50/50 exchange or one that works in a way that doesn’t leave us drained. Love is no longer enough to make us drain ourseleve’s taking care of a grown ass man. We expect a man that can take care of himself but sometimes allow us to as well. We want a partner, a boyfriend, a soulmate NOT a man child. We’re expecting to receive the same amount of effort and consideration we give out. We aren’t for being quiet and living with the purpose to only please. We aren’t for being dominated and told what to do and we DEFINITELY are beyond stroking fragile ego’s and tending to insecurities that have nothing to do with us…well most of us are. I know from my own experience in relationships that my tolerance for BS is quite low and from what I’ve been seeing a lot of other women my age feel the same way and carry themselves with that exact energy. If I don’t like something I’m going to voice it. If you’re lacking I’m going to let you know. For one, honesty is the greatest display of respect and care for someone but ultimately no one has time to hold their tongue and sacrifice their own happiness.
I’ve learned that you can love somebody deeply but all the love in the world isn’t enough to make that person right for you or treat you in the ways you expect. I’ve learned that I need to be cared for in certain ways, I need space to be myself, and I need peace of mind. If I find that a relationship I’m in doesn’t bring that I’m not sticking around to wait for a lost cause. I come into every situation presenting myself as I am and laying out on the table what I require. More times than not someone I meet will tell me they respect my ambition and my priorities and then be upset that I can’t dedicate all my time to them. I can make it clear that I like my independence and freedom but that can mean nothing to someone who is insecure and believes a woman is supposed to stay home and not have a life outside of him. For the record, men like that are very real and need to understand we want a boyfriend not a father. I already have a dad and if he isn’t telling me what to do why are you? Relax big fella. If you don’t trust me to handle myself accordingly when I’m out with my friends don’t waste your time with me. The moral of the story is we won’t walk on egg shells to please you. The insecure are never pleased. That kind of submission is a full time job with no pay (basically an internship)… LOL BYE AF.
Our Worth: Tax + Shipping and Handling
The girls know their worth and we aren’t here to play with you! It has sky rocketed and we expect to be treated like the Queens we are because we know what we bring to the table. We love ourselves. We work hard, pamper ourselves, and shine all on our own. We’re making business moves, taking care of our mental health, and planning for the future. You think we’re just gonna allow anybody to walk into our life and disturb our peace, give us acne from stress, mess up our credit, and leave us with unnecessary insecurities ? NO! We bet on ourselves these days. Being alone is less of a liability than being in a miserable relationship with someone who doesn’t measure up. Some of you swear it’s social media that has made us expect so much but I firmly believe a lot of you will find any excuse to not give a girl your full effort. If she was really asking for too much what did you get with her for? The option to leave her be and let her be happy was always there.
Women have a way of bringing out the best in you when you let us. Some of it is for our gain but a lot of it benefits you because we see the potential. But some of the trash behavior that men display have ruined that for the majority and we know much better now than to fall for just potential. We understand that the male ego (especially of young men) is through the roof. It’s statistically proven that men who are more impressionable (as in allowing their woman to have influence on him in certain areas) are a lot happier than those who are always putting up a fight and making excuses for why he can’t be the man that she is asking (or requiring) him to be. We see that the majority isn’t impressionable and we no longer want to fight for what we want or have to fight to mold you so we’ve bossed up and learned to buy the car (potential man) as is . We aren’t buying fixer uppers in 2018. I’m waiting for my luxury car with all the detailing and extras.
Oh you thought you were gonna occasionally stress us out and give us headaches for free? That was cute. Somewhere along the way I’ve watched us women decide that the labor of love isn’t free. Some have taken this to extremes and expect a man to be a meal ticket while some of us know how hard we work and also know what we bring to the table and expect someone equally yoked. With the way we take care of men emotionally, are always supportive, understanding, and helping them build their dreams we decided we want to be taken care of too and sometimes that’s financially. Amber Rose said it best: if you can ask me to lay up with you and please you the least you can do is pay a bill or even fund my dreams if you’ve got it like that. The way women are wired if we love you and you are in need or we see something that peaks your interest we try our best to help or we go out and get it for you.
Some of us want someone to be successful with rather than someone who mooches off of us and lands us in debt. We love a financially responsible King! Your finances are not the end all be all, but if you can manage money and be smart about your spending and investments it says a lot about you. Some of us want someone like that to learn from and grow with. But a lot of you swear that make us a gold digger. I think it’s quite the opposite and holds you guys to a standard, which a lot of you hate. I will acknowledge that there are women who are out here just for the money. To them a man is a check and that’s something I don’t agree with because at the end of the day we are all people who deserve genuine love and respect. In a sense it’s dehumanizing and says a lot about a woman to be impressed solely by money. But there are a lot of men who accept that and allow themselves to be finessed by a pretty face and a nice body. Money won’t buy you love but it will get you some temporary attention if that’s what you’re into. A GOAL digger understands that your financial state is the icing on the cake and not the whole thing. Understand the difference.
We aren’t here for your double standards and the fact of the matter is women love sex just as much as men. We no longer place false idea’s about sexuality into our heads that somehow separate what we can do from what men can. We move just like you do in the sense that if we want sex to be just sex, it will be just that. If we want to be monogamous, we will. If we want to be promiscuous, we will. A lot of you find that to be wrong or make a woman less valuable but yet you cheer on your womanizing friends who have been heaux’s since they figured out what a condom was in the 7th grade. We aren’t having it anymore and a lot more of us are beginning to judge other women way less for it. Where men get off thinking that their homie with the same amount of bodies as mileage on his car is somehow not as shameful as the girl he thought was hot but didn’t date because she decides to have casual sex while single..I don’t know. It’s ass backwards and once again proves how fragile the male ego is.
According to social media if you even breathe wrong as a woman you are deemed a heaux (I love spelling it this way, isn’t it fancy? Posh af). So we live it up and do as we please. I’m sure I’m already being slut shamed just for writing this because apparently if you stick up for or understand the dynamics of another woman’s sexual choices (which may be different than yours) you’re suddenly a heaux too. Society tells men to do what they want, who they want, and when they want but shames women for it. Quite frankly we no longer give a damn and if my fellow sis is Netflix and chilling with someone new every month and she’s happy with it (and being safe) I don’t care nor does my opinion matter. A lot of you are lost in the sauce thinking that we have to act the way we would in a relationship when single. You’re even more lost for thinking that people are going to behave in the same ways they would in a relationship when single. It doesn’t make sense and when you aren’t committed to anyone but yourself you get to make those executive decisions without considering anyone. News Flash: women have needs.
I would like to leave a bit of advice for men who I find to be incredibly intelligent but tend to treat everything so black and white. All of your analyzing and opinion making comes in the form of a math problem most times. Not everything has a damn formula and things are not as simple as you make them. Dig deeper. Take the time to understand that your opinion isn’t as important as you think it is and it isn’t the only one that matters. Today’s woman doesn’t care if you like that we wear makeup or not, we do it for us. We don’t care if you love natural hair, or weave, or lace fronts because when we come to slay it isn’t for you. We want to feel good (or we know that another girl who hates us will be present) when we go out. We also value the compliments of women much more than yours and feel they are more genuine and less conditional. We think you’re lame when you make physical comparisons and pit us against each other. If our sexuality is a problem we won’t deal with you and natural selection just weeded out the weak. We won’t be controlled, ridiculed, or disrespected. But we’ll accept love, attention, and consideration from Kings who think past their ego, and who’s masculinity and confidence isn’t so fragile. One who can check himself and change his toxic ways of thinking to be a better man and be a genuine ally and supporter of women (never forget than you came from one).
To the women, continue to live life by YOUR rules. Someone will love you for it. Whether any of this was relatable for you or not do whatever makes you happy. Carry yourself in ways that make you feel proud of who you are. Live for YOU rather than for the likes of men or being “wifey material”. The person who deserves you and understands you will meet your standards and rise to the occasion. There are good men in this world who will give you the moon and the stars. I seent it with my own eyes. The man who’s worthy of you won’t be perfect but he will rise to the occasion and he’ll expect things of you as well that will provoke growth and instill confidence within you. He won’t dim your light or be jealous of your success. He won’t ask you of things that you can’t give and he will never try to change you. He’ll respect the person you are and add to your strength rather than preying on your weakness. Don’t ever compromise yourself or discount your worth. Don’t ever settle or allow loneliness to make you accept far less than you deserve. Last but not least, if he’s pushing 30 and still lives with his mom…run.