The 3 R’s

Photo does not belong to S.O.P

One of the most cliché but true sayings I have ever heard is “trust the process”. I used to think it meant looking at your life being in shambles and just letting it fall to shit just waiting for it to magically get better with blind faith. To a certain extent that is true, but it’s much deeper than that. It’s understanding that although you are hurting and things are not perfect at the moment things are going to work out in the best way possible and that there is a purpose behind it all. But there’s work to be done within that realization. I had to learn to trust that there is a lesson and a reason behind my pain.

There has been a theme of loss in my life for the past couple years. I’ve had so much happen in such a short amount of time that you would think I would be feeling angry or hopeless. I’ve let a lot of people go. I’ve let go of old ideas and old parts of myself that are no longer true to who I am that I once thought were so concrete. Some would have expected me to be bitter or angry about these hard experiences but I found myself to be the exact opposite. I’m content and proud of myself.

Life brought me to a point of having no other option but to trust what is going on with me. If there’s anything I trust it’s what the universe has in store for me. I’ve never gone without. I’ve never been put in a situation I wasn’t able to handle. In doing so, I catch on to the purpose of my lessons much quicker. My intuition carries me through every situation. Even when I hit rock bottom something inside of me forces myself to pick up the pieces and keep going. If I didn’t keep my grass cut and stop watering dead relations, if I didn’t step out on faith and quit my job, if I didn’t break my own heart and let go of toxicity I would have lost so much more than the temporary losses I experienced.

My intuition brought me to every scary decision I have made and it is yet to fail me. When things aren’t right in my life my whole body will reject everything I am consuming both mentally and physically, that is poisoning my being. When you know yourself you can never lose. When you do it’s more often than not a temporary loss that comes with that kind of clarity. But I’ve learned I rather lose the worldly things that are tangible and lose people around me than to lose myself.

I would have lost myself and compromised what I require. There are times where if I didn’t listen to myself I know my life would have been way worse than just having bruised feelings or experiencing disappointment. You can bounce back from that. But discounting yourself and losing yourself trying to please others will leave you empty. We all require different things to function properly on an emotional level. Think of your requirements emotionally as apart of your survival and you’ll never discount yourself again (it’s like a life line and if you cut my life line I’m ready to fight and get rid of you completely). Your emotional well being is what helps you survive. Walk away from any and everything taking away from your survival. If your mind isn’t right your body won’t be either. They mirror one another.

Being forced to walk alone has made me rely on the only person I have at the end of every day: Myself. I have to be okay with me and with my decisions and the direction of my life. If nothing in your life seems to be working for you, if you find all of your relationships and business partnerships are leaving you empty, if nothing seems to be making you happy: Regroup, reflect, and reinvent. The three R’s I just mentioned center me often and bring me back to a place that is grounded, a place of stability. I’m about to give you guys the keys to being content with yourself. I fought like hell to get to this space so I hope these realizations help you get to a place of peace within yourself too.

When you are greatly unhappy and can’t figure out why, when you are always seeming to be misunderstood or overlooked, or if you are just plain bored with your life: REGROUP. Take a look around you and ask if you are happy with that job that makes you a ton of money but gives you no sense of purpose or joy. If there is constant drama in your life, or you are constantly stressed out, feeling less than around people who are supposed to be loved ones, etc. then take a look around you and ask yourself if you’re holding on to something genuine or if you’re holding on to what’s familiar and comfortable ? Maybe it’s time to weed out who no longer adds to your life and no longer makes you happy. Maybe the people you love have been stunting your growth. We outgrow people sometimes and that’s okay.

It’s important to reflect on how you got to be so unhappy or how you got yourself into all these one sided surface level relationships with others. Take responsibility for your habits. Understanding why you repeat certain unhealthy cycles is the first step to breaking that cycle. Identify what feelings trigger you to make decisions that bring you pain or temporary satisfaction. Make yourself a promise that you won’t keep repeating the same mistakes and set standards and boundaries. Set a standard for your life. Set a standard of what the job you are meant to have should be like. Set boundaries for those around you. Make it clear what is bothering you or what you need for a healthy relationship with others. Those that love you will respect those boundaries. Those that don’t will walk away. Let them. They didn’t respect you anyway.

Set a standard for what friendships and love should look like to you (but be realistic). Set a standard for carrying out your self worth. Set boundaries for how you treat yourself. If you are your biggest critic make an effort to be more kind to yourself. Uplift yourself, allow yourself space to make mistakes and be less than perfect. We teach people how to treat us. And our thoughts run parallel to what is going on in our life. Change your habits and change your way of thinking. All else will follow. If you don’t know about law of attraction look into it and watch your life change drastically.

Last but not least don’t forget to take your reflections and your new understanding of self and turn it into something great. R E I N V E N T you life, yourself, your mindset.  Your life can be art. Your life can be a whole ass masterpiece if you take control and decide that’s what you want. Have a vision and get started. If you don’t like what you’ve started on… YOU’RE THE ARTIST. Reinvent yourself. Start over as many times as you like until you get it right. Treat your body and your decisions like the masterpiece they are. When you’re an artists you’re sensitive about your shit (Erykah Badu). Be sensitive about yourself about everything that makes your entity what it is. Protect yourself (your art).

Don’t just let anyone treat you any kind of way. Don’t let people take over your vision for your life. Don’t allow just anyone around your canvas/your masterpiece, be selective. Don’t just settle for the shit people will try to feed you. If you think you deserve better in this life go find better. If you think you can be better than the version of yourself that you are right now go find a way to do that. But do it with the understanding that you might have to walk alone. You might not be able to relate to the people around you anymore and that’s okay. When you’re living your truth and your life has purpose you’ll meet YOUR people. Like minded people, who will push you to grow and be your best self. People that will respect your feelings, what you’re about, and what you require. You will find everything that’s meant for you; every opportunity and every ounce of love and success meant for you when you’re doing what’s best for you. Know yourself first.

Xoxo,

Nori <3

My Hair Journey: Why I shaved my head

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Photo of me by Leva Choden

Since deciding to shave my head I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my short haircuts which are usually followed by the question “but why would you cut off all that curly hair ?” It took me a long time to love my big curly hair but in doing so I also gained some resentment to having it. I got tired of being associated with something that seems so minuscule. I remember going from being made fun of and gawked at for having hair the size of Texas to it becoming a trend that social media influenced others to love thanks to all the curly headed beautiful Instagram models of the world. But long before it was cool to have curly locks everyone was pressured to have sleek straight hair and those of us who didn’t got remedial questions like “why don’t you ever comb your hair?” or “why is it so frizzy?” (obviously because you don’t comb through curls and humidity can make your hair frizzy..). But when people started to love curly hair it became the first thing a person would notice about me and compliment me on. Not to mention my caucasian peers loved to always ask “What do you put in your hair to get it like that?”. The most annoying question in the world, truly.

But it wasn’t just outsiders that made me feel a way. Certain people around me that I knew made me feel as though my hair was who I was when really it was just a small part of me. Like I was so lucky to have a tangled curly mess on top of my head. Yes it was unique and I loved the compliments at times but I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescent years wishing my hair and even hair in general wasn’t an important topic. Yes, your hair is your crown but there is no crown to wear without the person. Which brings me to when I reached a point in my life about a year ago where I felt like I started looking at life from a whole different perspective. What was once important to me no longer had meaning. Things I once dreamed about and obsessed over didn’t impress me once I attained them. I felt empty a lot. I felt like I was a possession rather than a person in a lot of aspects of my life.

A year ago I quit modeling in the professional sense and got out of contract with both of my agencies because I felt like an object owned by a business rather than a person. I felt disrespected and degraded in my work and no amount of money could make me feel better about that. I had worked so hard to get to a point of being taken seriously as a model and once I was around people in the industry I was disgusted with how myself and other models were treated. I hated being on a strict diet and using up my hard earned money on a trainer I didn’t need ( I already looked like a noodle). And ya girl likes food. When I say I was unhappy I was UNHAPPY. I was overworked, I was spreading myself thin, and I was looking for validation in places I would never get it from and truly didn’t need it to begin with. The money and the time spent was not worth it to me anymore and I realized that I had received way more fulfilling jobs on my own. I  felt like I was a possession and not a person..and with enough hard learned lessons I soon found that I was feeling the same way in my relationships.

I was in a relationship with someone who was way more interested in controlling me and tearing me down rather than supporting me and uplifting me. My friendships were based on what I could do for other people. It seemed like everything in my life was a constant power struggle and the person I truly had potential to be was being constantly suppressed, controlled, or overlooked. I noticed I bit my tongue in a lot of situations like as if I had no control because I was often around people and situations that made feel that way (which was entirely my own fault and due to my own choices). I had to reevaluate everything; what I wanted for myself and my life, how I wanted to be treated/loved, and what changes needed to be made to be the happiest version of myself. When I stripped myself of what I knew I felt content in all of these random and brash decisions I was making. I cut all kinds of ties that were holding me back. I gave up things and people that I thought I loved. Detachment became a huge theme in my life, and brought me to the realization that I was no longer attached to my hair or the ideas I was conditioned to believe about myself as a woman.

I wanted to challenge my confidence and start over. I didn’t feel attached to my hair. I didn’t feel like I needed it, and synonymously I didn’t feel like I needed the things and people that I put so much emphasis on. So I hit up a friend of mine, Sergio Miranda who is someone I had always trusted and happened to be one of the best Barbers I know (Follow him on IG and book an appointment @noswagsergio). I figured if I was gonna do this is I was gonna do it right and have peace of mind that I won’t walk out of someone’s shop looking like an avatar. I mentally prepared myself to do it and I dyed and cut my hair a couple times leading up to me shaving it all off. The attachment I had to my hair eventually became nonexistent. I knew this was something I wanted when I first sat in that chair and I saw my hair fell to the floor. I felt lighter. I left the shop feeling like an entirely new person. Although cutting my hair itself was not the exact event that became the changing point of my life it was definitely the start. It was a realization that I was outgrowing who I was and who people portrayed me as. I noticed a lot when I cut my hair. I noticed my posture changed. I noticed that I actually had a deep appreciation for my face without it hiding behind big curly hair.

I noticed how my confidence soared and that I carry myself like someone who is comfortable in their own skin because I truly am. I didn’t feel like any less of a woman without my hair. I actually felt like more of one. I felt the most girly and womanly than I had ever felt in my life. I felt naked but in a good way. I felt like all of myself was being seen. There was a certain vulnerability I exuded that didn’t feel like the scary or uncomfortable kind. I no longer felt like I needed something we so heavily associate our femininity with. We do that as women. We take so much pride in our hair (which we should to a certain degree) that some of us don’t even leave the house or want to be seen when it isn’t done. We damage it and put chemicals in it. We manipulate our hair to look how we are shown and told it should look so that we look “pretty”. It’s great to look nice and feel good but at what point are we satisfied with just us? At what point are we content with what we are naturally given? I had to learn that this is what I was truly given in this life: Some time, a purpose, a soul, and this body that houses my soul. This body that is temporary and will break down one day. But I was also given the ultimate gift…the gift of being a woman.

I am a being who can create life and has natural ability and instinct to nurture and heal those around me because thats what we do. Women are the foundation of love. We exude it and we teach it through being love. As mothers, as teachers, as sisters alike we love so hard that sometimes it hurts like hell. I was onto something: F what the rest of the world is talking about as far as what I “need” because I embody femininity in ways that are way deeper than just physical aspects. I am a woman to my core. That cannot be taken from me and the confidence that came from this realization can’t be stripped from me either. The physical aspect of me got the change I was looking for but none of it mattered until I made some changes to my way of thinking and my attitude towards my identity and my life. The internal change was the most revolutionary. Here I was thinking I was just getting a haircut to be rebellious and go against a concept. But months down the line I was molded into someone with a new understanding. The one thing I have control over in this life is me. I have control over what I allow, who I allow into my life, what direction I go in occupationally, and what treatment I accept. I set the tone for all of my relationships and endeavors.

Doing something as simple as cutting off my hair gave me the courage to take on everything else that once scared me or made me uncomfortable. My comfort zone was where complacency lived and I knew I could no longer be there and grow into who I wanted to be. I have been stepping out of comfort zones ever since. I’ve been a raging b*tch ever since. But in the best way possible. I’m in control in all aspects. I hold my tongue for no one. I don’t tolerate being undervalued or mistreated by anyone. I don’t hesitate to say no or remove myself from situations that don’t suit me or contribute to my growth and my happiness. My happiness has become one of my most prized possessions along with my peace of mind and I’ve pissed a lot of people off trying to preserve it and cater to self. I’m not afraid to start over. I’m not afraid to break my own heart for the greater good and pick up the pieces my damn self. I’ve seen strength in me that I didn’t even know I had but I’ve also experienced a softness about myself I never knew I was capable of. I’ve been being vulnerable and emotionally naked, living my truth unapologetically…not to mention I share it with all of you (I bare my soul on here and it is still the weirdest thing I’ve ever done!). I feel like a pretty flower with the perfect amount of thorns. I now value both my crown and my person even more. You can’t appreciate your crown when you aren’t appreciating the entity that wears it. You aren’t your hair, you aren’t your occupation, and you aren’t the expectations and standards life so inconveniently places upon you.

You are a soul with a body. Not a body with a soul. What are the contents of your soul? What is truly in there and how often do you let that entity navigate the direction of your life ? When your physical state breaks down and you start to prune,  I would hope that your insides still look and feel their best . I would hope that your insides sing harmonies that exude your truth because you lived life making decisions that were best for you. I would hope that a life well lived is carried out through your spirit. I would hope that when you talk to people they admire you in the sense that you are so happy and full that  they want to know your secrete to being that way. I would hope that all of you choose to live out of love and not out of fear. Do everything that makes you uncomfortable. Whatever lights a fire in you, explore that. Let that fire light the way to what could be an amazing experience or a lesson worth sharing. The smallest of things that we do all contribute to our purpose, our exploration of self. That crazy thing you were thinking about doing 20 minutes ago that you talked yourself out of… DO IT.

xoxo,

Nori

The Stage 5 Clinger Chronicles

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source: https://giphy.com/gifs/slide-do-want-attracted-U55OHOikSiwb6

Stage 5 clinger {definition}: A relentlessly attached individual who disregards personal space in the emotional and physical sense. Prone to excessive actions such as blowing up your phone when you don’t respond, popping up unannounced, and stalker like activity. The kind of individual you won’t want to smash (for your own good).

Let me tell y’all…this is a topic HEAVY on my soul these days. Clingy is not cute and the way some of us look at the topic of clinginess is warped. My whole life I’ve never been one to appreciate overbearing personalities or gestures of any kind, whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a love interest. People like that tend to make me nervous and annoy me. I don’t like excessive actions of any kind really. Space and moderation soothes me, especially because I would consider myself “emotionally claustrophobic”.

I feel as though sometimes people will submerge you into their constant emotional turmoil and extremities of their personality. My anxiety goes through the roof when someone is constantly clinging to me as a source of relief or as a sole source of someone’s happiness when I am only one person who is still trying to figure things out myself. I love people and helping them (which is why I started this blog) but it doesn’t feel good to be the end all be all in someones life, especially pertaining to their happiness.

I used to think something was wrong with me because friends around me would look at certain situations of mine and say “aww” to the exact gestures that I found to be annoying. But after yet another overbearing experience I realized it’s not me and why I HATE being clung to. Clinginess is another form of entitlement and here’s why:

1. Forcing interaction is manipulative and HELLA unattractive

When someone is busy, out with friends, or enjoying their me time and you take it upon yourself to blow them up in order to get a response it’s selfish and rude. You are blatantly displaying: “I know that you aren’t in the mood to talk right now and instead of respecting that I’m going to annoy you to death in order to get a response from you”. If this is you…you gotta chill. You’ve got to find some hobbies and sources of entertainment outside of the person you are annoying to death right now. It’s not healthy that you are acting lost and incapable of entertaining yourself without that person. I notice that this generation goes to extremes with how little or how much we care. We either act like catching feelings is a disease or we are wilding out over someone we’ve only known for two months. We are so lost in concepts that are false and unrealistic it’s a shame. Our standards and ideas of relationships come from movies, social media, and other sources that shove false ideas down our throats. Who’s idea was it that people really text or talk THE ENTIRE DAY ? If you know them please drag them for me because they’ve fed you all lies. If I like you I’ll text you a few times through out the day to check in, I’ll call you, or we’ll link up at some point but if you think I’m going to have time to respond every second of the day you are sadly mistaken and not busy enough. I’m a busy bee who thrives off of being busy. Being productive feeds my soul in ways that are therapeutic for me. Some of us internalize and make sense of things in the midst of keeping busy. If your girl/guy was busy when you met them respect that and quit acting surprised and being annoying about their lifestyle. Be grateful that they love being with you enough to make time out of their day to spend with you and talk to you.

2. Your lover/friend is their own person with individual needs

Some of us require space to just be in our own heads. I know I do. After a long day of working with kids or being around my friends and family I want to be alone to process the things that are going on in my life sometimes. I have days where I lock myself in my room and just write. I don’t answer the phone or want to be interrupted. Not because I hate my friends and family and want them to leave me alone forever, I just simply need to hear myself think. And that is totally okay! Clingers need that time too. Maybe if you took time to just be and spend time with yourself you’ll possibly even realize that you like your own company more than the company of others too. I know I sure as hell do. A lot of great things come from being alone.

3. Nothing genuine and worth having is forced

Do you want someone to miss you and genuinely want to be around you or would you rather pressure them and make them feel uncomfortable in doing so? Loving relationships of all kinds don’t thrive off of forcing the interaction and affection out of them. It takes patience, time, and effort from both ends. The best part is when you let people go be free to do them, giving them space to be themself and they make the decision of coming back to you and sticking around because they WANT to. My biggest issue with most people my age is how aggressively they love or pursue relationships. I firmly believe that what is meant for you will be exactly that, FOR YOU. You wouldn’t have to over extend yourself to get it. You won’t have to suffocate someone to keep them. My love and care can sometimes be misconstrued for being aloof or not caring but some of us love in ways that gives the other party a lot of freedom. Freedom is love in itself. That person loves you enough to give you the respect and freedom to be you and ultimately to do you. That includes allowing you the space and time to recoup from life and all that it throws at you. That includes being understanding. They are giving you the same respect they would want from you. If that itself isn’t love, friendship, and consideration..well shit, I don’t know what is.

I hope this finds you well. If you’re a stage 5 clinger please check yourself and question what your life is lacking to where you rely so much on someone’s presence or conversation. What made you think that life begins and ends with another person? And in turn…what makes you think you should be someone else’s whole life and that life should not go on without you? Ask yourself why you aren’t content all on your own. Ask yourself if there is a theme of codependency in all of your friendships and relationships. But if you aren’t a clinger and you come across one….rant about it on Instagram and change your number (jp don’t be like me 🙃). Nip that in the bud right from the door though and don’t be afraid to hit that block button sometimes.

Xoxo,

Nori 🌻

An Update/ A Little Piece of My Heart

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My cousin, my brother, my angel <3

Good Morning Shade Babes & Gents! I’m back with another unofficial post. With that being said this is NOT my usual post. The post for the week is coming soon I promise. I just wanted to update you all on why I haven’t posted in 2 weeks. My consistency doesn’t change and I promise I’m back and I’m better, but I needed two weeks to kind of get my mind right and think about what’s next for me. At first I wasn’t going to write anything I was just gonna wait another week or so and give you guys the post you deserve. But after talking to a few people close to me I realized the purpose of this blog was to be a source of truth and to enlighten people on the simple topics that matter. If being a little vulnerable and personal can help out the next person I’m all for it.

This time of year is the hardest for me because of the death of my cousin Solomon David Montgomery who at one point was like the closest thing to a best friend that I ever had growing up. I think everyone has that one favorite cousin that they’re always excited to see. He was that for me.  This year  my family is having a family reunion for the first time (in his city) and deciding whether to go or not, as well as having a lot of feelings I haven’t taken the time to deal with has eaten me up inside. It has made it extremely hard for me to write and function as a whole. Adding the fact that I work and I’m in school I’ve been extremely hard on myself about not being as up to par with balancing everything as well as I usually would. Sometimes as people we think that we can ignore memories and parts of ourselves that we don’t like in hopes that we can forget altogether. I think I am a perfect example of how that doesn’t work and it WILL catch up with you. Grief doesn’t get any easier as the years go by and I thought pushing it in the back of my mind and not “dwelling” on it would help me to move on but it didn’t.

Growing up I couldn’t stand boys, specifically my boy cousins because they always seemed to be so mean to me (I have to admit it made me tough though). But my cousin Solomon was totally different. He was never annoying or picking on me and we always got along. He taught me how to play video games and we would play pranks on our cousins and uncles together. We were always up to something and we were always a team. I followed everything he did and I wanted to be just like him. I had never met someone that I looked up to so much in my life. I had never met a more perfect person who always seemed to be happy and so genuine towards everyone around him. If I could have jumped in his skin and been him I would have, because that’s how much I admired the person he was. He was more like my brother than my cousin.  I think everyone in my family could agree that he had the kind of personality that you could never really be mad or upset with him. He was the sweetest person I knew and he never failed to make me feel loved and included. Every family event that we attended I was always mainly excited to see him and catch up.

I would say a huge part of my personality and my interests were molded by him. From the music I listen to, to my interest in writing he helped to develop all of that because from the time I could walk I was always trying to keep up with what he was doing. We would make up stories and have my nanna write them on her laptop because we didn’t know how to. We would play Japanese video games together and watch action movies that we weren’t supposed to. We would make fun of our big cousin Julian and play in his hair at family functions. We would talk about our future and what we wanted to be when we grew up. We made plans to go places and do things that were on our bucket list for when we got older. Before I started high school he got really sick but everyone assumed that he would recover (myself included) so I didn’t take his illness as serious as I should have. I never got to see him while he was sick and when he passed away none of it felt real. I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling for a long time. For years I had not been back to his house, looked at pictures of us, or discussed him much with my parents.

Helping my nanna find old pictures for the family reunion has brought about so many different emotions. I realize now that for a long time I’ve been angry because it feels so unfair that someone who had their whole life ahead of them didn’t get to see it through. It’s unfair that he wasn’t at my graduation and I never got to see him finish college. We had plans that will never happen now and it’s painful to think about at times, which makes sense as to why I would avoid it. But ignoring how I felt towards losing someone so close to me has also cheated me out of so many beautiful memories. I look at pictures lately and instead of being upset I feel blessed and lucky that I even got to experience such an amazing person at all. Even if it was just for a short time. Every moment I had with him was one that was always happy and I’ll forever be grateful that he was always able to somehow bring that out of me. I would like to think he’s proud of me and I see his influence in all that I do. He was working with kids before he died and here I am teaching at an enrichment program and working on my certification. We created stories together and I share my stories and opinion’s weekly with all of you. When I accomplish something it feels like I’m accomplishing it for the both of us.

With that being said, to anyone who is grieving or missing someone count the blessings and not the hardships behind it. Save and appreciate all of the memories and let what feelings that come with it come and go as they please. Don’t avoid them or suppress them. Let them be what they are and acknowledge the feeling, identify it, and let it go. Nostalgia can be beautiful if we allow it to be. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not experienced Solomon the exact way that I did. I can still remember our jokes and see things that would have interested us today if he was here and Im now able to smile about it. But in order to do that I had to take time to cry about it and let the hurt go first. One of my biggest flaws is how often I fight to avoid sadness by keeping myself overly busy or distracted. I’m working on it every day and if any of this sounds relatable to you I hope that you do too. Your mental health is important and as easy as it is to stay busy and not address the things that bother you, it is so much more rewarding to slow down sometimes and acknowledge your issues and begin to work on healing yourself. Whether it be through talking about it, writing about it, meditating, or just relaxing and allowing yourself to just be. Taking the time to do that is so necessary to keeping your life in it’s most enjoyable state. You can’t secure the bag while falling apart at the seems.

With that being, said for the next 4 months I will be posting once or twice a month to continue to give you quality posts and balance work, school, and certification. If I can do more than that I will, but in the mean time I would appreciate the patience and understanding of the million and one things I have going on right now. Side Note: my blog is just a baby (2 months old now) and I’m just about half way to a thousand views. I am so appreciative and humbled by it all. I love every single one of you that takes the time to read my posts. Thank you!!!

xoxo, Nori <3

The “New” Woman

 

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[Photo does not belong to S.O.P]

Today’s Woman, especially the younger women like myself are a whole different breed of woman. I have watched us evolve and progress in the same ways that Anthropologists would describe human progression. In anthropology the human race is described as one that evolves and adapts to it’s ecosystem in ways that are a means of survival. And let me tell you the women of today have adapted honey, we got our foot on these men’s neck’s and the savagery is at an all time high. Consider this post as some food for thought for my ladies and some insight for the fella’s. Just as we have adapted I think there are a lot of men who are going to need to evolve and adapt in order to understand and pursue the new age women of today. Your WCW is a 20 something bad ass who has a playlist full of Rihanna, Megan Thee Stallion, and Saweetie. You can’t play her because her intellect is just as sharp as her winged eyeliner. She has 2 sources of income, is obtaining more than one degree, has standards through the roof, and can play the game (and calls when she see’s it) just as well as you can if not better. She embodies finesse. Men either hate her or admire her for it. But she’s so into what she’s got going on that she can care less. Fact or fiction needless to say,  I can guarantee you know a girl like this or similar.

From my experience and what I’ve seen on social media in the last 3-4 years the official rise of the New Woman came to be. Game was being exchanged and it became clear that women (a lot but not all) were no longer accepting men’s nonsense and are definitely unafraid to do men how they tend to do us. All the time I see us ranting and tweeting about new expectations that we’ve recently created and I love it. The bar is being set high   and we are expecting men to rise to the occasion. But what’s really interesting is how many men I see and know who supposedly praise women with a boss like mentally, yet don’t know what to do with one when they get her. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a guy tweet about wanting an ambitious woman who’s, independent, funny, does her own thing, and has her priorities straight I would be on somebodies Island getting a tan instead of writing this post. But the part that doesn’t add up is that men don’t seem to read the fine print of what a woman like that comes with. They say they want those things but ridicule everything that this kind of woman does. A woman that independent is one of a different mind set. She’s liberated and free, doing everything that men do and A LOT of you hate it. Being that I consider myself to be of this new woman era I understand it and like I always do I’m here to give you the real spill on how we feel.

So here’s the hard facts… The mind of a woman in 2018 is set up a little something like this :

We don’t owe you anything

As mean as that sounds we figured out a long time ago through trial and error (and from the mistakes of those before us) that until a man makes a solid commitment to you he doesn’t feel like he owes you loyalty or consideration of any kind. We’ve molded ourselves to be the same way given that we have options just like you do and double standards are for the birds. There’s also a good percentage of you who play mind games and don’t know what you want and we don’t have time to make blind commitment on something that isn’t a for sure deal. If you know what you want claim it and be clear or be left behind. We won’t wait for you to act right and we won’t beg you for the attention we deserve. We learned our worth years ago and added tax to it. Get with the program or simply get left.

There’s also a lot of men in this world who feel entitled. They know it’s a mans world and love to remind you through the way they act and speak. Today’s woman know’s she doesn’t owe you or anyone a damn thing. Not her time, conversation, or her body. She’s not afraid to tell you or put you in your place. Aggressive DM’s and treating her regular will get you blocked. But here’s the real drag (with love of course): as much as you want a confident woman you shame her endlessly for carrying herself that way ESPECIALLY if she happens to not be interested in you. Is her horse suddenly high because it actually is?  Or is it because your fragile masculinity doesn’t allow you to believe that she just might not be interested in you ? It’s very possible that you don’t meet her standards. Quite contrary to the majority belief that nice guys are being ignored for bad boys, athletes, and music artists with money, some of us look into the simple things like how you treat others, your interests, and how you choose to spend your free time ( some of you need to stop playing fork knife so much and get a real job). If this applies to you get it together, get out your feels, and get on her level. Maybe her attitude isn’t the problem and maybe you’re a crappy person who genuinely needs to work on yourself.

Submission is DEAD

Now I don’t mean this entirely because when committed there is always some sort of submission in matters of the heart. But as far as domesticated submission goes today’s woman wants a 50/50 exchange or one that works in a way that doesn’t leave us drained. Love is no longer enough to make us drain ourseleve’s taking care of a grown ass man. We expect a man that can take care of himself but sometimes allow us to as well. We want a partner, a boyfriend, a soulmate NOT a man child. We’re expecting to receive the same amount of effort and consideration we give out. We aren’t for being quiet and living with the purpose to only please. We aren’t for being dominated and told what to do and we DEFINITELY are beyond stroking fragile ego’s and tending to insecurities that have nothing to do with us…well most of us are. I know from my own experience in relationships that my tolerance for BS is quite low and from what I’ve been seeing a lot of other women my age feel the same way and carry themselves with that exact energy. If I don’t like something I’m going to voice it. If you’re lacking I’m going to let you know. For one, honesty is the greatest display of respect and care for someone but ultimately no one has time to hold their tongue and sacrifice their own happiness.

I’ve learned that you can love somebody deeply but all the love in the world isn’t enough to make that person right for you or treat you in the ways you expect. I’ve learned that I need to be cared for in certain ways, I need space to be myself, and I need peace of mind. If I find that a relationship I’m in doesn’t bring that I’m not sticking around to wait for a lost cause. I come into every situation presenting myself as I am and laying out on the table what I require. More times than not someone I meet will tell me they respect my ambition and my priorities and then be upset that I can’t dedicate all my time to them. I can make it clear that I like my independence and freedom but that can mean nothing to someone who is insecure and believes a woman is supposed to stay home and not have a life outside of him. For the record, men like that are very real and need to understand we want a boyfriend not a father. I already have a dad and if he isn’t telling me what to do why are you? Relax big fella. If you don’t trust me to handle myself accordingly when I’m out with my friends don’t waste your time with me. The moral of the story is we won’t walk on egg shells to please you. The insecure are never pleased. That kind of submission is a full time job with no pay (basically an internship)… LOL BYE AF.

Our Worth: Tax + Shipping and Handling

The girls know their worth and we aren’t here to play with you! It has sky rocketed and we expect to be treated like the Queens we are because we know what we bring to the table. We love ourselves. We work hard, pamper ourselves, and shine all on our own. We’re making business moves, taking care of our mental health, and planning for the future. You think we’re just gonna allow anybody to walk into our life and disturb our peace, give us acne from stress, mess up our credit, and leave us with unnecessary insecurities ? NO! We bet on ourselves these days. Being alone is less of a liability than being in a miserable relationship with someone who doesn’t measure up. Some of you swear it’s social media that has made us expect so much but I firmly believe a lot of you will find any excuse to not give a girl your full effort. If she was really asking for too much what did you get with her for? The option to leave her be and let her be happy was always there.

Women have a way of bringing out the best in you when you let us. Some of it is for our gain but a lot of it benefits you because we see the potential. But some of the trash behavior that men display have ruined that for the majority and we know much better now than to fall for just potential. We understand that the male ego (especially of young men) is through the roof. It’s statistically proven that men who are more impressionable (as in allowing their woman to have influence on him in certain areas) are a lot happier than those who are always putting up a fight and making excuses for why he can’t be the man that she is asking (or requiring) him to be. We see that the majority isn’t impressionable and we no longer want to fight for what we want or have to fight to mold you so we’ve bossed up and learned to buy the car (potential man) as is . We aren’t buying fixer uppers in 2018. I’m waiting for my luxury car with all the detailing and extras.

Goal Digging

Oh you thought you were gonna occasionally stress us out and give us headaches for free? That was cute. Somewhere along the way I’ve watched us women decide that the labor of love isn’t free. Some have taken this to extremes and expect a man to be a meal ticket while some of us know how hard we work and also know what we bring to the table and expect someone equally yoked. With the way we take care of men emotionally, are always supportive, understanding, and helping them build their dreams we decided we want to be taken care of too and sometimes that’s financially. Amber Rose said it best: if you can ask me to lay up with you and please you the least you can do is pay a bill or even fund my dreams if you’ve got it like that. The way women are wired if we love you and you are in need or we see something that peaks your interest we try our best to help or we go out and get it for you.

Some of us want someone to be successful with rather than someone who mooches off of us and lands us in debt. We love a financially responsible King! Your finances are not the end all be all, but if you can manage money and be smart about your spending and investments it says a lot about you. Some of us want someone like that to learn from and grow with. But a lot of you swear that make us a gold digger. I think it’s quite the opposite and holds you guys to a standard, which a lot of you hate. I will acknowledge that there are women who are out here just for the money. To them a man is a check  and that’s something I don’t agree with because at the end of the day we are all people who deserve genuine love and respect. In a sense it’s dehumanizing and says a lot about a woman to be impressed solely by money. But there are a lot of men who accept that and allow themselves to be finessed by a pretty face and a nice body. Money won’t buy you love but it will get you some temporary attention if that’s what you’re into. A GOAL digger understands that your financial state is the icing on the cake and not the whole thing. Understand the difference.

Sexual Freedom

We aren’t here for your double standards and the fact of the matter is women love sex just as much as men. We no longer place false idea’s about sexuality into our heads that somehow separate what we can do from what men can. We move just like you do in the sense that if we want sex to be just sex, it will be just that. If we want to be monogamous, we will. If we want to be promiscuous, we will. A lot of you find that to be wrong or make a woman less valuable but yet you cheer on your womanizing friends who have been heaux’s since they figured out what a condom was in the 7th grade. We aren’t having it anymore and a lot more of us are beginning to judge other women way less for it. Where men get off thinking that their homie with the same amount of bodies as mileage on his car is somehow not as shameful as the girl he thought was hot but didn’t date because  she decides to have casual sex while single..I don’t know. It’s ass backwards and once again proves how fragile the male ego is.

According to social media if you even breathe wrong as a woman you are deemed a heaux (I love spelling it this way, isn’t it fancy? Posh af). So we live it up and do as we please. I’m sure I’m already being slut shamed just for writing this because apparently if you stick up for or understand the dynamics of another woman’s sexual choices (which may be different than yours) you’re suddenly a heaux too. Society tells men to do what they want, who they want, and when they want but shames women for it. Quite frankly we no longer give a damn and if my fellow sis is Netflix and chilling with someone new every month and she’s happy with it (and being safe) I don’t care nor does my opinion matter. A lot of you are lost in the sauce thinking that we have to act the way we would in a relationship when single. You’re even more lost for thinking that people are going to behave in the same ways they would in a relationship when single. It doesn’t make sense and when you aren’t committed to anyone but yourself you get to make those executive decisions without considering anyone. News Flash: women have needs.

 

I would like to leave a bit of advice for men who I find to be incredibly intelligent but tend to treat everything so black and white. All of your analyzing and opinion making comes in the form of a math problem most times. Not everything has a damn formula and things are not as simple as you make them. Dig deeper. Take the time to understand that your opinion isn’t as important as you think it is and it isn’t the only one that matters. Today’s woman doesn’t care if you like that we wear makeup or not, we do it for us. We don’t care if you love natural hair, or weave, or lace fronts because when we come to slay it isn’t for you. We want to feel good (or we know that another girl who hates us will be present) when we go out. We also value the compliments of women much more than yours and feel they are more genuine and less conditional. We think you’re lame when you make physical comparisons and pit us against each other. If our sexuality is a problem we won’t deal with you and natural selection just weeded out the weak. We won’t be controlled, ridiculed, or disrespected. But we’ll accept love, attention, and consideration from Kings who think past their ego, and who’s masculinity and confidence isn’t so fragile. One who can check himself and change his toxic ways of thinking to be a better man and be a genuine ally and supporter of women (never forget than you came from one).

To the women, continue to live life by YOUR rules. Someone will love you for it. Whether any of this was relatable for you or not do whatever makes you happy. Carry yourself in ways that make you feel proud of who you are. Live for YOU rather than for the likes of men or being “wifey material”. The person who deserves you and understands you will meet your standards and rise to the occasion. There are good men in this world who will give you the moon and the stars. I seent it with my own eyes. The man who’s worthy of you won’t be perfect but he will rise to the occasion and he’ll expect things of you as well that will provoke growth and instill confidence within you. He won’t dim your light or be jealous of your success. He won’t ask you of things that you can’t give and he will never try to change you. He’ll respect the person you are and add to your strength rather than preying on your weakness. Don’t ever compromise yourself or discount your worth. Don’t ever settle or allow loneliness to make you accept far less than you deserve. Last but not least, if he’s pushing 30 and still lives with his mom…run.

xoxo,

Nori <3

Stop Playing Yourself : The REAL tea

                                               [Photo does not belong to S.O.P]

 

Hey friends, happy Sunday! I know that new Drake just dropped and you’re probably deep into your feelings right now itching to text your ex. But ya girl is here to drop some gems and cure you of all of the nonsense. First and foremost be careful when listening to “After Dark” and “Final Fantasy” YOU WILL CATCH THE PREGNANT. But more importantly I’m here to check y’all (with love of course) on something that needs to stop. I’m watching way too many of you wind up in situationship’s and complaining about it. This goes for men and women. Men being both the culprit and the victim of this bs. If this applies to you keep reading and please…get it together.A situationship usually stems from us being tired of being alone and settling for something that seems like a relationship but isn’t. It seems ideal at first but all it does is drain you and test your patience.

The topic popped up on my twitter TL this past week when SoLLUMINATI or “PrinceTatted” posted a video on YouTube basically telling the girl who he featured in the video that he wanted to do what people do in a relationship minus the title, and sprinkled in there that he could talk to whatever girl he wanted but the same didn’t apply to her and she would get cut off. I still can’t tell if homie was trolling or not but I CACKLED. I wish a man would tell me this. I would hand him the scissors and be on my happy ass way laughing at the joke of a man he is. The crazy part is (joking or not) there are both men and women who think that way because of what some of us have allowed. I’ve never seen any good come from a situationship. 9 times out of 10 one of the people involved is expecting it to eventually turn into something. Please be realistic and don’t let that person be you. A relationship should be just that. Whether it’s official or not the exchange should be fair and respectful to the feelings of both parties involved. But for those of you who do want a relationship with a title and mutual respect you may want to apply these rules to your search:

1. Leave emotionally unavailable people the hell alone

WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THEY DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP TAKE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS. There are very low chances (no matter how amazing you are) that you can change their mind on that. Doing relationship shit without the title is not enough to change someones mind on what they do not want. Respect what they are saying and understand that you’re probably dodging a bullet anyways. But in most cases it’s not always as simple as someone telling you that they don’t want a relationship. Beware of mixed signals and people who put you on “hold”. If I’m interested in someone and one moment they seem interested in me then they’re distant the next I immediately dead it.

I don’t have the time or patience at 22 to wait for someone to disclose their feelings nor will I beg for it. I’m pretty direct with my actions if I’m interested you can tell. If asked I’m the open book that’s gonna tell you what it is, what it ain’t, and what it’s going to be. My actions always correspond with whatever that is. I don’t like confusion of any kind, nor does anyone else and I really don’t like miscommunication or lack there of, especially because life is far too short to stress myself out over something so prematurely anyway. If I’m upset and confused before we even get anywhere, we aren’t going anywhere ever. Your chance has come and gone. I won’t be a puppy chasing and following someone around for answers. I figure if you like me or want me bad enough you’ll make it clear. If someone keeps acting like they don’t know if they want you or not make the decision for them and exit stage left because you want someone that’s sure about you. Never put in more effort than what is being given out.

2. Know what you want and be realistic

Please stop kissing frogs when you’re looking for a prince, and the same applies for those looking for a princess. Basically: if you want a cute fairytale relationship or the white picket fence stop dating street pharmacists and hood – y’all know what I wanna say LOL. If you’re a man looking for wifey stop dating women who clear as day have savage in their bio. Shorty wants the ball players and street pharmacists who will buy her a Birkin “as friends”. Stay woke. Identify what you are truly looking for and keep that list in mind when dating. Date ONLY those kinds of people or face disappointment every time. Think about the kinds of settings you would meet someone who is the blue print of what you want. You won’t find a home body in a club (by choice) so stop searching there and start trying to make some damn sense of your ideas on dating.

But heres where being realistic comes into play. YOU CANNOT EXPECT SOMETHING THAT YOU YOURSELF CANNOT GIVE. So stop looking for someone with money and a yacht when your account is in the negative and you don’t even have a reliable car. Like attracts like and it’s unfair to expect the moon and the stars while turning down others  who are trying to get it together just like you. It’s hypocritical and makes zero sense. Now don’t get me wrong to date up a tiny bit is reasonable and it makes sense if you see something in them that you want for yourself. I think it’s great to want a partner that has something to offer and something to teach you. But be fair in doing so. The same applies emotionally and intellectually. Don’t expect to date someone with all the patience and understanding in the world when you’re a hot head with zero patience to offer back. Be the person you would want to date before having all these high expectations. Self check and see where you really are in life and make improvements where it’s needed.

3. Beware of men (and women) who make false promises

People are out here selling dreams we have all seen it. Men will waste your time for sport but that’s a post for a different day LOL.  If the person you’re currently pursuing is always making plans with you that fall through, cut it off. Someone who wants to see you will make it happen. If someone is constantly putting you on hold, as in giving you all these reasons for why you aren’t together “YET”…you my friend are in a situationship. Don’t let someone put you on pause. You are NOT a remote at the use of their fingertips and nine times out of ten they’re flipping through other channels anyway (if you know what I mean). Let that shit go. I don’t care if they give you a whole spiel about timing being the issue, because they aren’t shit for even putting you in a position to feel less than because they supposedly aren’t ready or in the position to be with you. That person had no business messing with you if they knew they weren’t ready to be with someone in that way. That is what you call a selfish person who is full of it and you deserve better than to be an option or be used at the expense of someone else’s supposed timeline. BYE AF.

4. Being single is not a jail sentence

My best piece of advice is going to sound hypocritical to the intro of this post but you need to hear it. Stop looking. Yes, literally don’t look at all. This is not a game of go fish babe this is real life and what is meant for you will be just that, FOR YOU. You will connect with whomever and gravitate to them organically. Stop entertaining people out of boredom. Stop settling because it’s been 2 years and the person you want and deserve hasn’t showed up yet. Be patient or you’re going to wind up in an unhappy situation. Stop keeping toxic exes around because you can’t be alone. Stop breaking your neck to keep your current toxic relationship going, it isn’t worth it. I myself am a testament to that. I’m doing just fine after leaving a 6 year relationship that wasn’t meant to be and I’m much happier. I rather wait for someone who’s going to allow me to be me and love me for it rather than someone who is going to fall in love with the idea of me and give me shit for being who I am (because I decided to be impatient, settle, and rush the process).  Sounds dumb right ? Don’t do it. Which also brings me to how loneliness will really cause us to fall for the idea of a person who we will later on find out that we don’t even like on a person to person level. As corny and over used as the saying is, learn to love yourself and be whole all on your own.

If you can’t be content on your own and keep looking for happiness in others you’ll put way too much pressure on the person you wind up with, which is unfair. It’s also unfair to you because when you make someone your entire world or your “end all be all” there is a possibility that they will leave and when they do you will be left with nothing and feel drained. That’s toxic in itself. Have a life of your own and radiate love all on your own. When you have your own little world that starts and ends with you it can’t be dismantled or taken away from you. A significant other should add to you and love you in ways that bring about your best potential. But in the mean time you should be learning to enjoy your own company and working on being the best version of yourself that you can be. The single life isn’t horrible, you won’t die, and you are still lovable and worthy of a happy relationship. But have a happy relationship with yourself first. Discover all of your potential and know yourself and what you deserve will gravitate to you. Law of attraction (look it up if you don’t know what that is). I live life selfishly and headache free. I take myself on dates and make it habit to enjoy my solitude from time to time. I have amazing friends that I have fun with and I’m always keeping busy and working on something. A relationship isn’t too high on my priority list right now and I’m living my best life without one, which is how I know you can too.

xoxo,

Nori <3

Protecting Your Peace 101

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[This Photo does not belong to Shades of Pink. If you know the artist feel free to contact me.]

 

Class is in session ladies and gents! Get out your notebooks, your pens and pencils, and get your life. I’m about to teach y’all how to stop being the victim and attract all that peace you swear you’re lacking (when you really have it right at your fingertips). If you are constantly stressed out, dealing with nonsense, or finding yourself to be easily angered or upset I suggest you keep reading. This one’s for you!  Also, keep in mind this blog is not for the weak and sensitive. So yes, I’m about to tell you about yourself. But relax, it’s all in love and a little tough love ain’t never hurt nobody.

I can honestly say 2017 beat me up and snatched me bald but what I took from it was a game changer. The levels of unbothered I have reached in 2018 makes me question who I am all the time. I don’t know who this girl is that projects all this cool, calm, and collected but I sure do like her! But I didn’t become her without doing the necessary work. First and foremost I want you to start monitoring who and what upsets you. What triggers arguments between you and those around you? What is bothering you to where your mood is always so stank? If any of the answers to those questions had to do with someone else or another force outside of yourself, you have major work to do.

Don’t get me wrong, are there people in your life who bring about negativity and drama ? Sure. Is it possible for someone to have disrespected you ? Of Course. You may even be in a situation spiritually, emotionally, or financially that you’re extremely unhappy with. All of those things are valid and genuine reasons to be upset. But life gets better when we take accountability. What happens to us or what others do may not be our fault but we always have to recognize that how something happened (because you allowed it) and what became of the situation (how you reacted) was all up to you. When I reached a point in my life where I was tired of being the victim I began to own up to how I played a part in my own nonsense. Reflecting and looking at every issue from an “I” perspective changed my temper and my quality of life drastically. It’s easy to place blame on others and to be angry at everyone and everything but yourself in a situation. The reality is the only person deciding your fate and your journey is you. Everything begins and ends with you. So the next time you complain about your life and victimize yourself consider these 3 tips:

  1. Relationship Maintenance

I’m gonna need y’all to go through your relationships the same way you go through your emails and hit that delete button. Be realistic and honest with yourself about whether the company you keep is really aiding to your happiness. A year ago one of my biggest sources of unhappiness was my relationships with others. It took a whole lot of frustration and heartache for me to learn that boundaries need to be set and your inner peace needs to come before any and everything else. Is a relationship or friendship really worth your sanity? HELL NO. And tell anyone who says otherwise they can fight me. Never settle or compromise in that area of your life because you will lose and drain yourself of happiness every time. The most beneficial thing you can do for yourself is monitor your relationships check in sometimes and ask yourself if the company you keep is adding to your happiness or stripping you of your joy? I know better than anyone that the closest people to you can be energy vampires. Your own family can be just as toxic as your ain’t shit boyfriend. Toxicity is all the same it just comes in many forms.

One of the best decisions I ever made was to put myself and my needs before all else. That doesn’t mean being rude or selfish to those that love you, that means knowing what you want and don’t want, then moving accordingly. I didn’t want love to hurt so I left a 6 year relationship. I didn’t want to be miserable so I distanced myself from those who were constantly being negative and ruining a good time. One of which is one of my closest friends. Literally EVERY TIME I was around her there was an issue or she was complaining. She’s an amazing person but geez life is not that damn bad. I don’t love her any less but when I’m on a personal high and life is feeling good I wanna soak that in, not be brought down. So instead of being miserable along with her I love her from a distance and deal with her when I have the patience for it. There are certain family members I only see occasionally because I don’t like the energy they bring. AND IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH IN THAT WAY.

Compromising your sanity for others leaves you functioning less than normal in major areas of your life. Don’t allow people to leave you empty. Love is an exchange of energy and power. It should be exchanged equally whether it be your significant other, your friends, your family, etc. If you want to be a source of light in this world you need to be around those who help ignite that within you. If someone is dimming your light let them go or love them from a distance. As much as I hate to admit it, there is some truth to when my mother would tell me “you are who you hangout with”. To a certain extent I disagree because Nori is Nori, and Sally is gonna be Sally. But I think the company you keep and the energy they bring becomes your energy. What you surround yourself with has a way of transpiring over into your life. So ask yourself what you truly want for your life. If you want success and money consider loving your friends who are always broke from a distance. If you want to be the happiest you’ve ever been, you may want to cut off the negative Nancy’s in your life. If you wanna avoid the drama stop hanging out with messy and dramatic friends. You get the picture.

2. Be Happy Rather Than “Right”

I certainly have my moments, but unless provoked I’m usually not an argumentative person. But let me tell you, the right person can bring all of the wrong things out of you. Being in the wrong relationship for years made me not even like the person I was while I was dating that person. But going through all of the toxicity developed the standards I have for myself today and I don’t regret going through any of it. I know that when I’m dealing with a man and he makes me constantly have to step out of character, cuss him out, or I feel like I have to be defensive all the time to protect myself…. it’s a no from me. I like my peace of mind way more than I like these men. I sleep fine at night not going to bed angry, upset, or having to yell at anyone. When my relationship ended I decided I wasn’t going to yell anymore. I gave it up as a New Year’s resolution and to adapt a new way of life. I could yell until my face turned blue and it never made my ex hear me any clearer or want to listen to me more. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t yell at anyone anymore. Not for them, but for me.

Yelling, throwing a tantrum, throwing hands (or for the proper: fighting), is all a huge use of energy that can go towards something positive that’s being used on negativity and pettiness. I’m not at all perfect but I’ll cuss you out while cool, calm, and collected before I let a whole other being (whether it be male or female) stress me out. Being that easily brought out of character shows the kind of control someone has over your emotions and the idea of someone else controlling me was enough for me to want to get it together. I’m not a complete pacifist, because I do believe in self love, and to me loving yourself also means not allowing disrespect. Therefore, I’m not asking you to let people walk all over you or to always turn the other cheek. I’m more so asking you to try diffusing a situation or “letting miserable people stay miserable” (my favorite phrase). What I mean by that is there are some battles you won’t win. Not because you’re losing per say, but more than likely you’re talking to a lost cause and won’t get through to them.

If someone doesn’t want to hear you out or respect how you feel they won’t. Don’t yell, don’t beg, don’t even give them your energy. Let the careless and closed minded remain that way. Leave them to be miserable while you stop dealing with them and do what is necessary for you to be happy. That’s what I mean by being happy rather than right. I rather take my happiness and leave negativity where it’s at while I continue to be happy and stress free. Arguing for the sake of arguing or being right isn’t as appealing when you’ve experienced your own little bubble of peace. When you truly create that for yourself you aren’t going to compromise it for anything or anyone.

3. Take Accountability

I mentioned this in the beginning and I’m saying it again because you will FOREVER think you are the victim until you do it. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. That toxic relationship you got into: you allowed it. The friend who uses you for money and rides but never supports you in any way or returns any of the favors: you kept them around. The drama you constantly found yourself in: came from the people YOU decide to surround yourself with. These are all decisions you made. The crappy misfortunate events that keep popping up in your life happen because you walk around like you have no control over of YOUR life. Everything is up to you from the company you keep to the actions you allow and don’t allow from others.

But don’t beat yourself up! There is hope for you and you are still blossoming into the beautiful flower you’re supposed to be. But in order to grow you have to be able to function. Flowers grow and function from being watered, exposed to sunlight, and being fed and nurtured from the soil it’s growing in. If you aren’t growing maybe the love you thought you had isn’t watering you in the ways you need. Maybe your friends and family are dimming the light you need to grow. Maybe you planted yourself in the wrong soil and need to uproot yourself. DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY. Other’s may not agree or like it but you don’t live for them, you live for you. You have to be happy with the decisions you make. Protect your peace the way you protect your money; with your life. Happiness has never been a destination it is worked at with constant effort. It does not come from other people or entities outside of your being. So the next time you complain about life being shitty or not feeling loved, remember it is you who is running the show and controlling your destiny. Stop allowing yourself to be the victim, take control of life and make it your B/tch!

xoxo,

Nori <3

Girl Code

Photo does not belong to S.O.P

 

 

I know to the majority girl code is following a set rules or ethics we have created amongst each other especially when in a friendship with one another. Like we all know that when your best friend has to go to the bathroom at a party that means you’r going with her. There’s also codes about not dating your friend’s ex’s, and not letting your friend set her drink down at a function. But I think there is a more important girl code that isn’t as common or acknowledged. There is nothing that bothers me more than when I scroll through social media and see girls that I know fake supporting the girl power movement. By that I mean supporting the idea of sisterhood and uplifting women rather than putting each other down, which society ultimately conditions us to do.

There are a lot of us (some who I personally know but will not name….you’re welcome boo) who preach to the high heavens about womanly unity but are extremely rude in person, slut shame the girl who chooses to live her life differently, and act as though certain women are below them. What is even more disgusting is that it’s women who have “clout” or some kind of influence and they use it to make themselves look good to a wider audience when they don’t actually live by it in real life (Yeah I came to drag on a sunday).

A couple months back I wrote a piece called “For The Ladies” that was inspired by me seeing someone I knew being tore down on social media because of a post another girl made making fun of her looks. It was clear the girl had a separate issue with her and chose to go about it in a public way and make things personal. With the way social media is set up once someone with a good following says something about you and it’s seen everyone wants to join in on the “fun”. For some reason when us women have an issue with one another we take a shot at each other’s looks and status. I also notice this common theme of women I know who make it seem as though they feel good about themselves and have it all together. They go about making those aspects known by putting down the next woman.

I’m all for this movement of being confident and loving yourself but I believe there is levels and certainly some extremes to this. A confident woman can acknowledge herself to be all that she is without needing to put the next woman down. For me to have written such a sensitive poem and harping on sisterhood I really had to check myself as well. Do I make comments that put me on a pedestal and shame other women? Am I acting like the woman I would want to be friends with? Am I being a support system or a helping hand to the women that needs it like I talk about in my writing?

The answer to some of those questions were both yes and no. Since writing that piece I can honestly say I’ve checked my own behavior and even looked into my own insecurities that tend to show sometimes (because yes I’m human, and I’m here to tell the truth and not just drag y’all). It’s not the easiest thing to do but I realized I had to change my habits if I expect anyone else to change. If I want to see more of us support each other I have to start with myself. With that being said, Girl Code Rule number one should be: BE A DECENT GIRL, DAMMIT.

Tell another girl she’s pretty and mean it, support your friends, and support other women in general (businesses ran by women, women musicians, artists, and producers, women who run non-profits ALL OF IT), stop shaming each other, stop looking at other women as competition for male attention, Stop making comparisons. All of it is lame and unnecessary. I’m still working on myself day by day but I make it a priority to support my fellow women, compliment them, encourage them with my words, and MIND MY BUSINESS. That one is super key. I REFUSE at this point in my life to shame another woman or judge her. What the next woman does and how she lives has nothing to do with me as long as she is not harming herself.

The choices another woman makes with her money, her body, and other life decisions are not up to me and ultimately do not affect me. As long as someone isn’t hurting themselves I’m straight and hoping for their happiness and their highest good. I feel a lot lighter living that way. Being catty isn’t fun and knowing my confidence stems from me being the baddie that I am (without comparison or implying the next woman isn’t) is the purest form of confidence that there is ! My confidence cannot be touched or depleted.

My confidence is organic and not built on the shame of other women or another woman’s short comings. It cannot be made or deflated by others, it’s source is just me being me, and not wanting to be anyone else. I got to a point of not liking to see another human being with the same struggles as me hurting. Women have it tough enough being that we are held to high appearance and physical standards. We are always being ridiculed and also being silenced when asking to be considered in the same way as our male counterparts. We need each other! We are a force to be reckoned with when we come together. The love, beauty, and brilliance we radiate when together is unmatched! I want to see a lot more of it.

I’m not saying all of us are going to be nice to each other all the time. I’m not saying you have to be nice to the girl that stole your boyfriend and talked badly about you. I’m not telling you to allow disrespect (If someone tries you, by all means go off sis). What I’m telling you is to be decent. Stop passing judgement on women you don’t know, stop shaming women you don’t know, stop allowing yourself to be mad about someone else’s separate and individual lifestyle choices, stop being bitter and jealous, stop comparing yourself, stop competing for the attention of men, stop the fake girl power and be about it. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a choice. Every day I am choosing to be the girl I would wanna be friends with. Every day I am keeping in mind that even though I’m that b***h, the girl next to me in line is possibly that b***h too and it is no threat to my existence. Spread the love and prosper ladies !

xoxo,

Nori <3