An Update/ A Little Piece of My Heart

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My cousin, my brother, my angel ❤

Good Morning Shade Babes & Gents! I’m back with another unofficial post. With that being said this is NOT my usual post. The post for the week is coming soon I promise. I just wanted to update you all on why I haven’t posted in 2 weeks. My consistency doesn’t change and I promise I’m back and I’m better, but I needed two weeks to kind of get my mind right and think about what’s next for me. At first I wasn’t going to write anything I was just gonna wait another week or so and give you guys the post you deserve. But after talking to a few people close to me I realized the purpose of this blog was to be a source of truth and to enlighten people on the simple topics that matter. If being a little vulnerable and personal can help out the next person I’m all for it.

This time of year is the hardest for me because of the death of my cousin Solomon David Montgomery who at one point was like the closest thing to a best friend that I ever had growing up. I think everyone has that one favorite cousin that they’re always excited to see. He was that for me.  This year  my family is having a family reunion for the first time (in his city) and deciding whether to go or not, as well as having a lot of feelings I haven’t taken the time to deal with has eaten me up inside. It has made it extremely hard for me to write and function as a whole. Adding the fact that I work and I’m in school I’ve been extremely hard on myself about not being as up to par with balancing everything as well as I usually would. Sometimes as people we think that we can ignore memories and parts of ourselves that we don’t like in hopes that we can forget altogether. I think I am a perfect example of how that doesn’t work and it WILL catch up with you. Grief doesn’t get any easier as the years go by and I thought pushing it in the back of my mind and not “dwelling” on it would help me to move on but it didn’t.

Growing up I couldn’t stand boys, specifically my boy cousins because they always seemed to be so mean to me (I have to admit it made me tough though). But my cousin Solomon was totally different. He was never annoying or picking on me and we always got along. He taught me how to play video games and we would play pranks on our cousins and uncles together. We were always up to something and we were always a team. I followed everything he did and I wanted to be just like him. I had never met someone that I looked up to so much in my life. I had never met a more perfect person who always seemed to be happy and so genuine towards everyone around him. If I could have jumped in his skin and been him I would have, because that’s how much I admired the person he was. He was more like my brother than my cousin.  I think everyone in my family could agree that he had the kind of personality that you could never really be mad or upset with him. He was the sweetest person I knew and he never failed to make me feel loved and included. Every family event that we attended I was always mainly excited to see him and catch up.

I would say a huge part of my personality and my interests were molded by him. From the music I listen to, to my interest in writing he helped to develop all of that because from the time I could walk I was always trying to keep up with what he was doing. We would make up stories and have my nanna write them on her laptop because we didn’t know how to. We would play Japanese video games together and watch action movies that we weren’t supposed to. We would make fun of our big cousin Julian and play in his hair at family functions. We would talk about our future and what we wanted to be when we grew up. We made plans to go places and do things that were on our bucket list for when we got older. Before I started high school he got really sick but everyone assumed that he would recover (myself included) so I didn’t take his illness as serious as I should have. I never got to see him while he was sick and when he passed away none of it felt real. I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling for a long time. For years I had not been back to his house, looked at pictures of us, or discussed him much with my parents.

Helping my nanna find old pictures for the family reunion has brought about so many different emotions. I realize now that for a long time I’ve been angry because it feels so unfair that someone who had their whole life ahead of them didn’t get to see it through. It’s unfair that he wasn’t at my graduation and I never got to see him finish college. We had plans that will never happen now and it’s painful to think about at times, which makes sense as to why I would avoid it. But ignoring how I felt towards losing someone so close to me has also cheated me out of so many beautiful memories. I look at pictures lately and instead of being upset I feel blessed and lucky that I even got to experience such an amazing person at all. Even if it was just for a short time. Every moment I had with him was one that was always happy and I’ll forever be grateful that he was always able to somehow bring that out of me. I would like to think he’s proud of me and I see his influence in all that I do. He was working with kids before he died and here I am teaching at an enrichment program and working on my certification. We created stories together and I share my stories and opinion’s weekly with all of you. When I accomplish something it feels like I’m accomplishing it for the both of us.

With that being said, to anyone who is grieving or missing someone count the blessings and not the hardships behind it. Save and appreciate all of the memories and let what feelings that come with it come and go as they please. Don’t avoid them or suppress them. Let them be what they are and acknowledge the feeling, identify it, and let it go. Nostalgia can be beautiful if we allow it to be. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not experienced Solomon the exact way that I did. I can still remember our jokes and see things that would have interested us today if he was here and Im now able to smile about it. But in order to do that I had to take time to cry about it and let the hurt go first. One of my biggest flaws is how often I fight to avoid sadness by keeping myself overly busy or distracted. I’m working on it every day and if any of this sounds relatable to you I hope that you do too. Your mental health is important and as easy as it is to stay busy and not address the things that bother you, it is so much more rewarding to slow down sometimes and acknowledge your issues and begin to work on healing yourself. Whether it be through talking about it, writing about it, meditating, or just relaxing and allowing yourself to just be. Taking the time to do that is so necessary to keeping your life in it’s most enjoyable state. You can’t secure the bag while falling apart at the seems.

With that being, said for the next 4 months I will be posting once or twice a month to continue to give you quality posts and balance work, school, and certification. If I can do more than that I will, but in the mean time I would appreciate the patience and understanding of the million and one things I have going on right now. Side Note: my blog is just a baby (2 months old now) and I’m just about half way to a thousand views. I am so appreciative and humbled by it all. I love every single one of you that takes the time to read my posts. Thank you!!!

xoxo, Nori ❤

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