[This Photo does not belong to Shades of Pink. If you know the artist feel free to contact me.]
Class is in session ladies and gents! Get out your notebooks, your pens and pencils, and get your life. I’m about to teach y’all how to stop being the victim and attract all that peace you swear you’re lacking (when you really have it right at your fingertips). If you are constantly stressed out, dealing with nonsense, or finding yourself to be easily angered or upset I suggest you keep reading. This one’s for you! Also, keep in mind this blog is not for the weak and sensitive. So yes, I’m about to tell you about yourself. But relax, it’s all in love and a little tough love ain’t never hurt nobody.
I can honestly say 2017 beat me up and snatched me bald but what I took from it was a game changer. The levels of unbothered I have reached in 2018 makes me question who I am all the time. I don’t know who this girl is that projects all this cool, calm, and collected but I sure do like her! But I didn’t become her without doing the necessary work. First and foremost I want you to start monitoring who and what upsets you. What triggers arguments between you and those around you? What is bothering you to where your mood is always so stank? If any of the answers to those questions had to do with someone else or another force outside of yourself, you have major work to do.
Don’t get me wrong, are there people in your life who bring about negativity and drama ? Sure. Is it possible for someone to have disrespected you ? Of Course. You may even be in a situation spiritually, emotionally, or financially that you’re extremely unhappy with. All of those things are valid and genuine reasons to be upset. But life gets better when we take accountability. What happens to us or what others do may not be our fault but we always have to recognize that how something happened (because you allowed it) and what became of the situation (how you reacted) was all up to you. When I reached a point in my life where I was tired of being the victim I began to own up to how I played a part in my own nonsense. Reflecting and looking at every issue from an “I” perspective changed my temper and my quality of life drastically. It’s easy to place blame on others and to be angry at everyone and everything but yourself in a situation. The reality is the only person deciding your fate and your journey is you. Everything begins and ends with you. So the next time you complain about your life and victimize yourself consider these 3 tips:
1. Relationship Maintenance
I’m gonna need y’all to go through your relationships the same way you go through your emails and hit that delete button. Be realistic and honest with yourself about whether the company you keep is really aiding to your happiness. A year ago one of my biggest sources of unhappiness was my relationships with others. It took a whole lot of frustration and heartache for me to learn that boundaries need to be set and your inner peace needs to come before any and everything else. Is a relationship or friendship really worth your sanity? HELL NO. And tell anyone who says otherwise they can fight me. Never settle or compromise in that area of your life because you will lose and drain yourself of happiness every time. The most beneficial thing you can do for yourself is monitor your relationships check in sometimes and ask yourself if the company you keep is adding to your happiness or stripping you of your joy? I know better than anyone that the closest people to you can be energy vampires. Your own family can be just as toxic as your ain’t shit boyfriend. Toxicity is all the same it just comes in many forms.
One of the best decisions I ever made was to put myself and my needs before all else. That doesn’t mean being rude or selfish to those that love you, that means knowing what you want and don’t want, then moving accordingly. I didn’t want love to hurt so I left a 6 year relationship. I didn’t want to be miserable so I distanced myself from those who were constantly being negative and ruining a good time. One of which is one of my closest friends. Literally EVERY TIME I was around her there was an issue or she was complaining. She’s an amazing person but geez life is not that damn bad. I don’t love her any less but when I’m on a personal high and life is feeling good I wanna soak that in, not be brought down. So instead of being miserable along with her I love her from a distance and deal with her when I have the patience for it. There are certain family members I only see occasionally because I don’t like the energy they bring. AND IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH IN THAT WAY.
Compromising your sanity for others leaves you functioning less than normal in major areas of your life. Don’t allow people to leave you empty. Love is an exchange of energy and power. It should be exchanged equally whether it be your significant other, your friends, your family, etc. If you want to be a source of light in this world you need to be around those who help ignite that within you. If someone is dimming your light let them go or love them from a distance. As much as I hate to admit it, there is some truth to when my mother would tell me “you are who you hangout with”. To a certain extent I disagree because Nori is Nori, and Sally is gonna be Sally. But I think the company you keep and the energy they bring becomes your energy. What you surround yourself with has a way of transpiring over into your life. So ask yourself what you truly want for your life. If you want success and money consider loving your friends who are always broke from a distance. If you want to be the happiest you’ve ever been, you may want to cut off the negative Nancy’s in your life. If you wanna avoid the drama stop hanging out with messy and dramatic friends. You get the picture.
2. Be Happy Rather Than “Right”
I certainly have my moments, but unless provoked I’m usually not an argumentative person. But let me tell you, the right person can bring all of the wrong things out of you. Being in the wrong relationship for years made me not even like the person I was while I was dating that person. But going through all of the toxicity developed the standards I have for myself today and I don’t regret going through any of it. I know that when I’m dealing with a man and he makes me constantly have to step out of character, cuss him out, or I feel like I have to be defensive all the time to protect myself…. it’s a no from me. I like my peace of mind way more than I like these men. I sleep fine at night not going to bed angry, upset, or having to yell at anyone. When my relationship ended I decided I wasn’t going to yell anymore. I gave it up as a New Year’s resolution and to adapt a new way of life. I could yell until my face turned blue and it never made my ex hear me any clearer or want to listen to me more. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t yell at anyone anymore. Not for them, but for me.
Yelling, throwing a tantrum, throwing hands (or for the proper: fighting), is all a huge use of energy that can go towards something positive that’s being used on negativity and pettiness. I’m not at all perfect but I’ll cuss you out while cool, calm, and collected before I let a whole other being (whether it be male or female) stress me out. Being that easily brought out of character shows the kind of control someone has over your emotions and the idea of someone else controlling me was enough for me to want to get it together. I’m not a complete pacifist, because I do believe in self love, and to me loving yourself also means not allowing disrespect. Therefore, I’m not asking you to let people walk all over you or to always turn the other cheek. I’m more so asking you to try diffusing a situation or “letting miserable people stay miserable” (my favorite phrase). What I mean by that is there are some battles you won’t win. Not because you’re losing per say, but more than likely you’re talking to a lost cause and won’t get through to them.
If someone doesn’t want to hear you out or respect how you feel they won’t. Don’t yell, don’t beg, don’t even give them your energy. Let the careless and closed minded remain that way. Leave them to be miserable while you stop dealing with them and do what is necessary for you to be happy. That’s what I mean by being happy rather than right. I rather take my happiness and leave negativity where it’s at while I continue to be happy and stress free. Arguing for the sake of arguing or being right isn’t as appealing when you’ve experienced your own little bubble of peace. When you truly create that for yourself you aren’t going to compromise it for anything or anyone.
3. Take Accountability
I mentioned this in the beginning and I’m saying it again because you will FOREVER think you are the victim until you do it. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. That toxic relationship you got into: you allowed it. The friend who uses you for money and rides but never supports you in any way or returns any of the favors: you kept them around. The drama you constantly found yourself in: came from the people YOU decide to surround yourself with. These are all decisions you made. The crappy misfortunate events that keep popping up in your life happen because you walk around like you have no control over of YOUR life. Everything is up to you from the company you keep to the actions you allow and don’t allow from others.
But don’t beat yourself up! There is hope for you and you are still blossoming into the beautiful flower you’re supposed to be. But in order to grow you have to be able to function. Flowers grow and function from being watered, exposed to sunlight, and being fed and nurtured from the soil it’s growing in. If you aren’t growing maybe the love you thought you had isn’t watering you in the ways you need. Maybe your friends and family are dimming the light you need to grow. Maybe you planted yourself in the wrong soil and need to uproot yourself. DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY. Other’s may not agree or like it but you don’t live for them, you live for you. You have to be happy with the decisions you make. Protect your peace the way you protect your money; with your life. Happiness has never been a destination it is worked at with constant effort. It does not come from other people or entities outside of your being. So the next time you complain about life being shitty or not feeling loved, remember it is you who is running the show and controlling your destiny. Stop allowing yourself to be the victim, take control of life and make it your B/tch!